What is it that makes some of us content to live in the shadows of others and makes others chomp at the bit to cast shadows of their own? My mother is a huge shadow caster. Of course with three master's degrees- one being from one of the most prestigious music conservatories in the country- a gift for teaching and a sharp mind, how can she not cast a rather large shadow? My sister is another one with quite an intimidating shadow. The woman can do anything she sets her mind to. From being a varsity cheerleader and being great at math, to fashion design, to cake making to installing her own sound system in old cars- without measurements- to gymnastics and diving...there's not much she can't do. My sister can figure out just about anything.

Growing up, if I wasn't "Dianne's daughter" I was "Anna's sister." At school, few people know me. I live in relative obscurity. My dad? He's content to live in my mother's shadow. He doesn't need to prove himself. I, on the other hand, find that if I cannot cast my own shadow, I feel insecure, unnecessary and as though I'm an immense failure. I don't have three master's degrees- I'm still struggling for my bachelor's. I have about a 5th grade math level, am terrible at design and don't know the first thing about sound systems. I struggle for the grades I get, barely falling into the category of "good," have no idea how to conduct myself around other people, and more or less wonder how in heaven's name I'll make it through the next day.

So I sit here, on the verge of tears because I'm so burdened with the need to cast my own shadow. I have this horrible need to finish the honors program, to turn out an amazing thesis, to have the distinction of graduating with honors and being one of the few at school to actually finish the honors program. I have this horrible need to go to grad school and get a Ph.D. so I can prove I actually am intelligent. Don't get me wrong, I really want to do those things too, but more than that, I need to. And I have no idea how to do it. Finishing school alone is so overwhelming to me, I don't know how I'll ever manage, let alone writing a thesis on top of it. If I can barely get through an undergrad program with a faculty that helps me every step of the way, how in the world will I manage at a grad school where that kind of help simply isn't availible? I'm such a horrible mess. Why do I need so much to prove myself? Why can I not be content with who God made me to be? Perhaps if I didn't need these things so much they wouldn't be so difficult. I know all the answers in my head. But why can I not apply them? I feel as though I won't be content until I'm on the faculty of a university somewhere, having completed my Ph.D. and having my own distinction. I know, however that even then, unless I learn to be content, I'll still feel that I'm in the shadow of my colleagues. But even so...such a small number of people in the world are so educated as to have any kind of doctorate. I'd at least have a shadow in the world outside of academia. With all my needs and wants, I just don't see that ever happening. What's it going to take? I know I'm never going to be a Dr. Motl, with a vocabulary the size of two dictionaries and knowledge of just about every area of history imaginable (okay, maybe slight exaggeration?) and the humor of a stand-up comedian, so why can't I be content being who God made me to be and not who He made others to be?

It's interesting to see how God works. He doesn't always give us the answers at the beginning, so it's interesting to see possibilities come to fruition or fade away. I have a few possibilities in my life right now, some which conflict with others, others don't. It'll be interesting to see how things go and whether or not they pan out. 

So I'm supposed to have pages 11-20 completed on my thesis by tonight (Sunday) and so far I have...1 1/2. Riiight. Now I'm just hoping for 5 pages done by tonight, but it won't be convenient for me or my advisor. We're supposed to get it all revised and such so I can turn it in by next Monday. I sure hope we don't have to cut a lot, cause I'm gonna end up with the exact minimum for pages, and it takes forever for me to write a page. And I'll be up a creek without a paddle. Not cool. I hope Dr. Motl helps me a lot with this because sometimes he has the tendancy to wait until the last minute to read what I've submitted I'm hoping he and I can meet to discuss what I have on Monday or Tuesday at the latest. AAHHH! Oh, and I have a 5 page paper to write for Military History this week too.